Well, I have gotten started on the wall in the house where the leak was. The first set of wallpaper is down, and the paste had gotten mold in it from the leak. The mold is gone. We have a new washer box behind the washer and dryer, and the hot water is run to it. Mrs. Duke's computer is rebuilt, and the monitor is replaced. That is more accomplished in two months then had been done in the past year.
So why do I wish I were dead?
I know all too well that I will have days like this. My mind just will not move its focus from the negative. My only thoughts are about how I have ruined Mrs. Duke's life. How she deserved children, and nice things. I can see no way out of my current situation when I am like this. I can't understand how my life got this way. I can so no real benefit from continuing. I will of course. I couldn't ruin Mrs. Duke's life this long and leave her a widow at such a young age.
The job search is futile it seems. No one wants me. I don't blame them.
If I could script the rest of my life, today at least, it would go this way. I stop and buy a lotto ticket. The next day it wins millions. I put the ticket in my wallet to keep it safe until I get home. I say nothing on the phone because I want to surprise Mrs. Duke in person. Later that day I wreck. The steering breaks on the truck, and I go off a bridge. They send my remains to Mrs. Duke. She goes through my belongings, and finds the ticket.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Thursday, January 03, 2008
" 'cause today I found my friends, are in my head"
I feel good so far. I haven't found a new job yet, but the search continues. It has been 50 days since I realized what caused the mental cycle that was ruining my life. The goal from that point was not to stop the cause of the cycle (for that is mental and how my mind works...no control over that,) but to use the mental workings to create a new cycle. In other words to stop letting it control me.
It has been good so far. I have had two days of the blahs like everyone gets. I have had four days of sinking depression. However, the good part is I didn't let it control me, or rather I refused to shut down. That is the first big step. I was worried that I I wouldn't be able to handle it.
It was fine to talk a big game in the beginning. I boasted that I was going to do this and that when I got depressed. But I was worried that I would not be able to. When it eventually did come, I pushed through and carried on with my day. Six months ago I would have floundered . I would have neglected some things that I needed to do. I would have felt depressed afterwords, feeling worthless. But pushing through, carrying on, those left me feeling capable.
That has left me happy....and a little excited.
It has been good so far. I have had two days of the blahs like everyone gets. I have had four days of sinking depression. However, the good part is I didn't let it control me, or rather I refused to shut down. That is the first big step. I was worried that I I wouldn't be able to handle it.
It was fine to talk a big game in the beginning. I boasted that I was going to do this and that when I got depressed. But I was worried that I would not be able to. When it eventually did come, I pushed through and carried on with my day. Six months ago I would have floundered . I would have neglected some things that I needed to do. I would have felt depressed afterwords, feeling worthless. But pushing through, carrying on, those left me feeling capable.
That has left me happy....and a little excited.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Look into my eyes, you will see who I am...
Ya know, sometimes I feel like a whiny bitch. Wanting to tell Mrs. Duke I feel like this or I feel like that. I wonder if it seems to her that I have all of these feelings, like a woman. I wonder if I seem to be less of a man to her. I wonder if I seem fragile because I always tell her about my feelings. She makes it seem nowadays that I either am telling her a bunch of bullshit to get her reaction, or that she has heard so much about how I feel, she can't take much more or doesn't care.
I tell her how I feel. But it is not because I am feminine. There is an altogether different reason. one which I don't think Mrs. Duke knows.
When I was 19, I was married to my first wife. I worked two jobs and attended college full time. My shoe, my only pair, got a hole in the bottom. I found out one morning that my wife had opened a credit card in my name. She didn't tell me, she just forged the signature. She had this card, and had kept it from me for months. When I found out, I told her I needed new shoes. She could see that, but refused to let go get any. She said that she needed a dress and was going to spend money on that and didn't want to run up a big credit card bill.
We argued. Her side was she wanted to keep the card payment low. My side was I worked two jobs and had only one pair of shoes, and they had a hole in the bottom. Oh, and it was my fucking card!
We got into a fight and I, I still don't quite remember why, I began to choke her. I am ashamed of this. I have not told this story. But anyway I began to choke her. It was only for a second. But I had maliciously put my hands on a girl.
I got up immediately. I left the house and didn't come back all day. Not because I was mad, but because I was scared. I realized that day, I had to figure out a way to deal with anger and rage.
For the rest of our time together, I never put my hands on her in a harmful manner ever again. She did hit me. She busted my head open one time, and scratched me till I bled another time. But I never even got close to being violent with her again.
I worked out a system. One that worked for me and still does. It goes like this. Lets say that an event hurts me. Like all men, when I get hurt inside, I get pissed off. The moment it happens, I do nothing. That's right nothing. In reality, anything I could say when I am pissed and hurt is just going to be mean. So I do nothing. I work over a period of time, usually about two days, trying to get past the initial anger finding some sense in whatever happened to hurt me. That thinking gives me questions. Then when I am calm, I ask those questions. To get out the pain and anger I talk.
This is where I think Mrs. Duke may be tired of hearing how I feel all the time. I hate that. I don't know for sure what she feels about it. She doesn't talk about it. But her actions and attitude give me that vibe.
It is unfortunate if she does hate to hear about feelings. It sucks that she may think I am fragile, or feminine. But at least I don't drink, do drugs, cheat on her, or worst of all get violent.
It she is getting to where she can't deal with it anymore, I can't help that. If she is starting to have problems with me, or her image of me, then fuck it.
I tell her how I feel. But it is not because I am feminine. There is an altogether different reason. one which I don't think Mrs. Duke knows.
When I was 19, I was married to my first wife. I worked two jobs and attended college full time. My shoe, my only pair, got a hole in the bottom. I found out one morning that my wife had opened a credit card in my name. She didn't tell me, she just forged the signature. She had this card, and had kept it from me for months. When I found out, I told her I needed new shoes. She could see that, but refused to let go get any. She said that she needed a dress and was going to spend money on that and didn't want to run up a big credit card bill.
We argued. Her side was she wanted to keep the card payment low. My side was I worked two jobs and had only one pair of shoes, and they had a hole in the bottom. Oh, and it was my fucking card!
We got into a fight and I, I still don't quite remember why, I began to choke her. I am ashamed of this. I have not told this story. But anyway I began to choke her. It was only for a second. But I had maliciously put my hands on a girl.
I got up immediately. I left the house and didn't come back all day. Not because I was mad, but because I was scared. I realized that day, I had to figure out a way to deal with anger and rage.
For the rest of our time together, I never put my hands on her in a harmful manner ever again. She did hit me. She busted my head open one time, and scratched me till I bled another time. But I never even got close to being violent with her again.
I worked out a system. One that worked for me and still does. It goes like this. Lets say that an event hurts me. Like all men, when I get hurt inside, I get pissed off. The moment it happens, I do nothing. That's right nothing. In reality, anything I could say when I am pissed and hurt is just going to be mean. So I do nothing. I work over a period of time, usually about two days, trying to get past the initial anger finding some sense in whatever happened to hurt me. That thinking gives me questions. Then when I am calm, I ask those questions. To get out the pain and anger I talk.
This is where I think Mrs. Duke may be tired of hearing how I feel all the time. I hate that. I don't know for sure what she feels about it. She doesn't talk about it. But her actions and attitude give me that vibe.
It is unfortunate if she does hate to hear about feelings. It sucks that she may think I am fragile, or feminine. But at least I don't drink, do drugs, cheat on her, or worst of all get violent.
It she is getting to where she can't deal with it anymore, I can't help that. If she is starting to have problems with me, or her image of me, then fuck it.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
I'll have to stop soon.
I actually didn't stop for another four hours. I had to get to a place, I can't just stop anywhere. It was dark, and ice had started to fall with the snow. It was a lonely day, Saturdays usually are for me. I got one call from P, but none from home -sigh-
Its getting worse
These roads aren't all that bad. When you start to have trouble finding the white line on your right...it's time to slow down and think about stopping.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Fears, fears everywhere; and not a drop of liquor...
I don't know. I talk to Mrs. Duke now and I feel that she loves me. I can get over how she hurt me this year, but am having trouble with the why.
It helps to understand that when we married she had such a big heart. I even talked to her one day about how life doesn't go the way you plan and sometimes that causes people to lose that big heart. She had very little anger towards anything. She had almost no ability to be mean to anyone. Even if she went in a store and the clerk was rude, she would not like it, but would move on and decide rather quickly that the clerk might have had other troubles. If she thought she had hurt someone, anyone, she would get upset. If she thought she would hurt me, she would be devastated.
I love her, and I feel that she loves me. Love is not the lynch pin of this thought.
I see less of that heart in her. She has hurt me this year, badly. She admits to hurting me, to lying to me. She knows, somewhere inside, that she has done the worst possible things to me this year, hurt me more than she would have thought she were capable of two years ago. Two years ago she would have not been capable of it.
That's what really bothers me. What happened in the last two years? She seems to have lost that big heart. Not just with me, but in general. Life can be a polarizing experience. It gives many people a jaded view. I didn't expect her to not be affected by this phenomenon. But I hoped that as life's storms pounded at our windows, we would draw together and take them on, not drift apart.
Take for example World of Warcraft. When I first started playing, I thought Mrs. Duke would love it. She loved people, she liked games, especially thought-provoking ones. I began teaching her about it. I felt like the only thing better than playing would be playing with her. We finally got it set up where we could play together. But soon after she started drifting away. I suppose she would say that I drifted, and that's fine. The point is she found a style of playing, that was different than mine. She started wanting to spend time playing with players who matched her style. I wanted to go through that game together. Like in life I wanted she and I to be a team, a couple. But she soon started spending more and more time with her game friends. We drifted apart, no longer a team, but just two people going about their own way; like real life.
Now in the game, she has a whole world of friends. I don't even play. If I did, and wanted her to play with me, I would get her, but only if the guild didn't need her. Now I'm not saying that either of us shouldn't have friends, or that she shouldn't have responsibilities to those friends; merely that we are far from a team anymore.
In real life, I feel it is the same. When she has problems, she seems to deal with them the way her dad does; say nothing, let it fester until you...
I wanted for her to come to me. I wanted her problems to be my problems.
For the longest time. I couldn't handle problems. Because of depression, she didn't feel like she could tell me problems. That's entirely understandable. I fear now that I have forced her to deal internally with her own problems so much, that it's habit.
An idea came to me yesterday. With me being gone all the time, and her having to set aside missing me, maybe she had to wall up some of her feelings for me. Maybe she did this without knowing. That would explain how she could hurt me so much and not be that upset by it.
Maybe Mrs. Duke has some problem in her life, a big problem, festering inside. If she does, she hasn't said a word to me. I have even asked her about things I thought could be bothering her. She says she's fine. I think that is a load of shit, but you can't argue with someone about the way they feel. Maybe she thinks she is fine. Maybe, and this is even worse, she doesn't think she can tell me. Maybe she feels like her life is ruined, even over to an extent. But she doesn't tell me.
If the things I think are bothering her really are, then I don't know what to do. It will take time for me to get my life on track. If she feels that her life is ruined, and too much time has passed, then more time will only exacerbate her problem. Her life is not over. There are so many things left to be done. But how can you show someone that. Isn't that something they have to see.
I am unhappy with us being two people who are married. I want to be a team again. I want it to be "she and I against the world." I want her heart to soften again. We are on divergent paths at the moment. I caused it, all of it. But now I want to cause something else...I hope it is not too late.
Re-reading her blog, covering the last two years, a pattern shows. One can see her begin to have problems with her life, her feelings about her self, and for me. In '05 she says that her guild may not accept me, but notes that if she had to choose, she would choose her husband. Today if I asked her to give up her current characters, not the game, not RP, just her current characters; and start anew with me and us be a "team", it would probably end in divorce. She notes that i said "i am beginning to hate your guild." What she doesn't say is that I said that because she started to want, WANT, to go through the game with them instead of me. I wanted to take her places in that game. I wanted to share things with her. I wanted to take her to high level dungeons. She knew this at the time. I remember the night she called me and told me that her guild wanted to take her to a high-level dungeon. She wanted to go and told me so. What was I going to say, no? I have never wanted her to not do what she wanted. I didn't want her to not go with someone else if she wanted to go. I understand her wanting to go and see it. The problem is she wanted to go with them, not to wait for me to share it with her. She didn't want for us to share the game together. That's what hurt. Not where she went, or who she went with, but that she didn't want for us to do it together. That still stings me to this day.
I am willing to try to learn how to RP. I think it is interesting. It can be quite the creative release. But it may be a stretch for me. I don't act. I don't get close to people (so I don't care what they are doing...this is bad and one of the things I am changing about myself.) But I think it can help me get out of my shell some. It can help me learn to deal with people. But I am really trying it because Mrs. Duke loves it so much. If we could share it, it would be awesome. But she has never showed an interest in playing with me before, possibly because I didn't RP. But even then she never tried to get me into it. She got into it and went off with her new friends. We have never forced the other to do things. But she never even tried to teach me, or get me interested in RP. I felt like she found a guy she had so much in common with, she didn't need me.
In real life, it is much the same now. She has friends she talks to everyday. She has this problem and that problem, and never tells me. In the past two weeks, she has completely turned around, but she is starting to slip again. She has been calling me every night, but last night she didn't. When i asked her, she said "I thought you were gonna call me." I don't know why she thought that, I haven't called her in two weeks, she has called me every time. As long as I stay out here, in this truck, we will continue to drift apart. I can slow it, but not stop it. I am afraid when I get home all the time, it will not help. I am afraid that she has a whole other life now, and no longer cares (really, deeply) if I am around. I mean I know she cares on some level, but I mean more like a "I love him and don't want to be without him" thought.
I don't know what to think really. Its all so surreal. There is no way to adequately describe the emotional change in her in these last two years. I am glad she doesn't read this blog. The Mrs. Duke from two years ago would be so sad and in tears if she read this. She would be so upset about hurting me and making me feel this way. Today's Mrs. Duke would get mad, or maybe a little pissed at least. She thinks I'm full of shit on a lot of things now. She told me that the other day, that I'm full of shit.
There are two things I have never been to her. One of them is dishonest. Her comment hurt me so much, I feel it will never leave me. I started writing this blog partly because I can no longer talk to someone who feels about me like that. Although it is helping me to get stuff out and let people read it. It is breaking down walls.
But for Mrs. Duke, I cannot know where this will go. I look everyday for jobs where I can be home. I think it starts there. But if she continues to be the person I have seen this year, not in the past two weeks but the rest of the year, I don't know. I have stopped dicking around at home and started to get things done. I haven't had depression in weeks. I have had sad times, like right now, but they are momentary. My head is clear. I have even noticed some positive thoughts in my head. But i just can't get over not knowing why Mrs. Duke has changed so much. I can't get over why she had so little problem hurting me and lying to me. I may never get those answers, and truthfully, hope to get to a point where they don't matter. But between those questions and worries about Mrs. Duke emotional health, I get sad some.
It helps to understand that when we married she had such a big heart. I even talked to her one day about how life doesn't go the way you plan and sometimes that causes people to lose that big heart. She had very little anger towards anything. She had almost no ability to be mean to anyone. Even if she went in a store and the clerk was rude, she would not like it, but would move on and decide rather quickly that the clerk might have had other troubles. If she thought she had hurt someone, anyone, she would get upset. If she thought she would hurt me, she would be devastated.
I love her, and I feel that she loves me. Love is not the lynch pin of this thought.
I see less of that heart in her. She has hurt me this year, badly. She admits to hurting me, to lying to me. She knows, somewhere inside, that she has done the worst possible things to me this year, hurt me more than she would have thought she were capable of two years ago. Two years ago she would have not been capable of it.
That's what really bothers me. What happened in the last two years? She seems to have lost that big heart. Not just with me, but in general. Life can be a polarizing experience. It gives many people a jaded view. I didn't expect her to not be affected by this phenomenon. But I hoped that as life's storms pounded at our windows, we would draw together and take them on, not drift apart.
Take for example World of Warcraft. When I first started playing, I thought Mrs. Duke would love it. She loved people, she liked games, especially thought-provoking ones. I began teaching her about it. I felt like the only thing better than playing would be playing with her. We finally got it set up where we could play together. But soon after she started drifting away. I suppose she would say that I drifted, and that's fine. The point is she found a style of playing, that was different than mine. She started wanting to spend time playing with players who matched her style. I wanted to go through that game together. Like in life I wanted she and I to be a team, a couple. But she soon started spending more and more time with her game friends. We drifted apart, no longer a team, but just two people going about their own way; like real life.
Now in the game, she has a whole world of friends. I don't even play. If I did, and wanted her to play with me, I would get her, but only if the guild didn't need her. Now I'm not saying that either of us shouldn't have friends, or that she shouldn't have responsibilities to those friends; merely that we are far from a team anymore.
In real life, I feel it is the same. When she has problems, she seems to deal with them the way her dad does; say nothing, let it fester until you...
I wanted for her to come to me. I wanted her problems to be my problems.
For the longest time. I couldn't handle problems. Because of depression, she didn't feel like she could tell me problems. That's entirely understandable. I fear now that I have forced her to deal internally with her own problems so much, that it's habit.
An idea came to me yesterday. With me being gone all the time, and her having to set aside missing me, maybe she had to wall up some of her feelings for me. Maybe she did this without knowing. That would explain how she could hurt me so much and not be that upset by it.
Maybe Mrs. Duke has some problem in her life, a big problem, festering inside. If she does, she hasn't said a word to me. I have even asked her about things I thought could be bothering her. She says she's fine. I think that is a load of shit, but you can't argue with someone about the way they feel. Maybe she thinks she is fine. Maybe, and this is even worse, she doesn't think she can tell me. Maybe she feels like her life is ruined, even over to an extent. But she doesn't tell me.
If the things I think are bothering her really are, then I don't know what to do. It will take time for me to get my life on track. If she feels that her life is ruined, and too much time has passed, then more time will only exacerbate her problem. Her life is not over. There are so many things left to be done. But how can you show someone that. Isn't that something they have to see.
I am unhappy with us being two people who are married. I want to be a team again. I want it to be "she and I against the world." I want her heart to soften again. We are on divergent paths at the moment. I caused it, all of it. But now I want to cause something else...I hope it is not too late.
Re-reading her blog, covering the last two years, a pattern shows. One can see her begin to have problems with her life, her feelings about her self, and for me. In '05 she says that her guild may not accept me, but notes that if she had to choose, she would choose her husband. Today if I asked her to give up her current characters, not the game, not RP, just her current characters; and start anew with me and us be a "team", it would probably end in divorce. She notes that i said "i am beginning to hate your guild." What she doesn't say is that I said that because she started to want, WANT, to go through the game with them instead of me. I wanted to take her places in that game. I wanted to share things with her. I wanted to take her to high level dungeons. She knew this at the time. I remember the night she called me and told me that her guild wanted to take her to a high-level dungeon. She wanted to go and told me so. What was I going to say, no? I have never wanted her to not do what she wanted. I didn't want her to not go with someone else if she wanted to go. I understand her wanting to go and see it. The problem is she wanted to go with them, not to wait for me to share it with her. She didn't want for us to share the game together. That's what hurt. Not where she went, or who she went with, but that she didn't want for us to do it together. That still stings me to this day.
I am willing to try to learn how to RP. I think it is interesting. It can be quite the creative release. But it may be a stretch for me. I don't act. I don't get close to people (so I don't care what they are doing...this is bad and one of the things I am changing about myself.) But I think it can help me get out of my shell some. It can help me learn to deal with people. But I am really trying it because Mrs. Duke loves it so much. If we could share it, it would be awesome. But she has never showed an interest in playing with me before, possibly because I didn't RP. But even then she never tried to get me into it. She got into it and went off with her new friends. We have never forced the other to do things. But she never even tried to teach me, or get me interested in RP. I felt like she found a guy she had so much in common with, she didn't need me.
In real life, it is much the same now. She has friends she talks to everyday. She has this problem and that problem, and never tells me. In the past two weeks, she has completely turned around, but she is starting to slip again. She has been calling me every night, but last night she didn't. When i asked her, she said "I thought you were gonna call me." I don't know why she thought that, I haven't called her in two weeks, she has called me every time. As long as I stay out here, in this truck, we will continue to drift apart. I can slow it, but not stop it. I am afraid when I get home all the time, it will not help. I am afraid that she has a whole other life now, and no longer cares (really, deeply) if I am around. I mean I know she cares on some level, but I mean more like a "I love him and don't want to be without him" thought.
I don't know what to think really. Its all so surreal. There is no way to adequately describe the emotional change in her in these last two years. I am glad she doesn't read this blog. The Mrs. Duke from two years ago would be so sad and in tears if she read this. She would be so upset about hurting me and making me feel this way. Today's Mrs. Duke would get mad, or maybe a little pissed at least. She thinks I'm full of shit on a lot of things now. She told me that the other day, that I'm full of shit.
There are two things I have never been to her. One of them is dishonest. Her comment hurt me so much, I feel it will never leave me. I started writing this blog partly because I can no longer talk to someone who feels about me like that. Although it is helping me to get stuff out and let people read it. It is breaking down walls.
But for Mrs. Duke, I cannot know where this will go. I look everyday for jobs where I can be home. I think it starts there. But if she continues to be the person I have seen this year, not in the past two weeks but the rest of the year, I don't know. I have stopped dicking around at home and started to get things done. I haven't had depression in weeks. I have had sad times, like right now, but they are momentary. My head is clear. I have even noticed some positive thoughts in my head. But i just can't get over not knowing why Mrs. Duke has changed so much. I can't get over why she had so little problem hurting me and lying to me. I may never get those answers, and truthfully, hope to get to a point where they don't matter. But between those questions and worries about Mrs. Duke emotional health, I get sad some.
Friday, December 07, 2007
...and i do appreciate you being 'round...
I said earlier that I didn't know how I got on this path. A friend recently, unknowingly helped me.
His father was so close to him. They worked together, and played together. Then, without warning, his father passed away. What followed was bad. Worse than anything I have dealt with. I hated to hear his story because in it he lost everything. His mindset after his father's passing caused everything to go downhill. His wife eventually had to leave.
After hearing his story, after the initial sadness wore off, I began to think about how he turned it around. To hear that a man could have his life fall apart, then pick up the pieces, and climb back to where he wanted to be; was, to say the least, encouraging. I found in his story, hints of a strength of character that I wish I had.
My parents were not ones to achieve their dreams. I am sure they had them, although they have never told me any of them. But they never seemed willing to do the hard, boring shit it takes to get things done. I came out just like them.
I stand around even now and wonder how I got down this path...in this truck. I stare blankly out at the world and wonder how I screwed up and how do I fix it. I wonder where will I fit in, where do I go from here. I spend most days thinking of how I want things to be. I picture this and hope for that. But I have yet do any of the hard, boring shit it takes to make it happen.
My friend tells me of fixing the car, or fixing the house. He works here, and goes there. He gets things done. He may want more, but we all do. The real point is he gets what he works for. When i talk to him I have nothing. Maybe I have seen a movie, or maybe a good TV show, but no actual accomplishments.
I have to stop this. I know what I want. I just need to begin the proper steps through the hard, boring shit to get it.
I want to get a job that gets me home each night. This is a pain to do. But there are several things I need to do at home. Such as repairs, spend time with Mrs. Duke, and school.
I want to finish a four-year degree. This takes me either seeing through an online setup, or in class time at a nearby school.
I want to attend post-graduate school. I have the ability to get any degree I choose. I just need the time and money. The money worries me less than the time, because I wonder if Mrs. Duke will stay with me.
I want to build Mrs. Duke a farmhouse. She has always wanted one, and ever since hearing that I have wanted to give her one.
I want to see some of the world's sights. I see most of the U.S. But I want to see some things up close and have time to enjoy them, like the St. Louis Arch and the Pocono resort.
These things are what I used to dream about. The problem is that is all I did. I need to take a cue from my friend who picked up pieces of a broken life, and found the strength to put them back together.
His father was so close to him. They worked together, and played together. Then, without warning, his father passed away. What followed was bad. Worse than anything I have dealt with. I hated to hear his story because in it he lost everything. His mindset after his father's passing caused everything to go downhill. His wife eventually had to leave.
After hearing his story, after the initial sadness wore off, I began to think about how he turned it around. To hear that a man could have his life fall apart, then pick up the pieces, and climb back to where he wanted to be; was, to say the least, encouraging. I found in his story, hints of a strength of character that I wish I had.
My parents were not ones to achieve their dreams. I am sure they had them, although they have never told me any of them. But they never seemed willing to do the hard, boring shit it takes to get things done. I came out just like them.
I stand around even now and wonder how I got down this path...in this truck. I stare blankly out at the world and wonder how I screwed up and how do I fix it. I wonder where will I fit in, where do I go from here. I spend most days thinking of how I want things to be. I picture this and hope for that. But I have yet do any of the hard, boring shit it takes to make it happen.
My friend tells me of fixing the car, or fixing the house. He works here, and goes there. He gets things done. He may want more, but we all do. The real point is he gets what he works for. When i talk to him I have nothing. Maybe I have seen a movie, or maybe a good TV show, but no actual accomplishments.
I have to stop this. I know what I want. I just need to begin the proper steps through the hard, boring shit to get it.
I want to get a job that gets me home each night. This is a pain to do. But there are several things I need to do at home. Such as repairs, spend time with Mrs. Duke, and school.
I want to finish a four-year degree. This takes me either seeing through an online setup, or in class time at a nearby school.
I want to attend post-graduate school. I have the ability to get any degree I choose. I just need the time and money. The money worries me less than the time, because I wonder if Mrs. Duke will stay with me.
I want to build Mrs. Duke a farmhouse. She has always wanted one, and ever since hearing that I have wanted to give her one.
I want to see some of the world's sights. I see most of the U.S. But I want to see some things up close and have time to enjoy them, like the St. Louis Arch and the Pocono resort.
These things are what I used to dream about. The problem is that is all I did. I need to take a cue from my friend who picked up pieces of a broken life, and found the strength to put them back together.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
My First Snow Day
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Aqua, Seafoam Shame
I don't know how I got to this point in my life. When I first met Mrs. Duke, I had expectations. I wanted her optimism to rub off on me. I wanted her faith to rub off on me. I wanted her family-values to rub off on me. I wanted to be around her selflessness, and her gigantic heart. My family are total opposites of her. I loved her and wanted to be infected with her.
This did not happen. Her family-values have rubbed off on me. I am working on my faith. But I totally lost the optimism. In fact, it seems these days that her optimism is damaged; her faith, damaged, and her selflessness may be waning. Her heart is hard to find nowadays, in her words, actions, and mannerisms at least.
This is probably due to my life and the negative affect it has had. I have begun to change, probably more on the inside than the outside so far. But real, substantial changes in our life will take time. There are several little things that I can do, but her seeing that it is not "an act" or part of "the cycle" will take time. I hope she doesn't lose anymore heart, optimism, or faith in that time.
"Found my nest of salt....everything's my fault" This line is from a song and speaks about a man who deeply loved a woman. She found his dirty little secret (heroin) and he felt like he ruined her life. Never have I identified more with a lyric.
I have a deep (maybe bottomless) well of pain for causing my life to get this point. Mrs. Duke was along for the ride; too much heart to say something, too much love to leave. I have wasted so much time. I have sat idle for so long. I have squandered the gifts God gave me. At one point I had so much to look forward to. Now I fear that getting to where I think God wanted me to be, may take too much time. I would have loved to do it earlier but failed, for whatever reason.
The picture I had of where I would be at this point is certainly not here. I drive a truck, separated from not only Mrs. Duke, but from any real chance of getting on that path. I know what caused me to get here. I know where, and how, I failed. I just don't know how it went so long without me waking up. I may never get over taking Mrs. Duke down this road. I may never get over what I have wasted.
This did not happen. Her family-values have rubbed off on me. I am working on my faith. But I totally lost the optimism. In fact, it seems these days that her optimism is damaged; her faith, damaged, and her selflessness may be waning. Her heart is hard to find nowadays, in her words, actions, and mannerisms at least.
This is probably due to my life and the negative affect it has had. I have begun to change, probably more on the inside than the outside so far. But real, substantial changes in our life will take time. There are several little things that I can do, but her seeing that it is not "an act" or part of "the cycle" will take time. I hope she doesn't lose anymore heart, optimism, or faith in that time.
"Found my nest of salt....everything's my fault" This line is from a song and speaks about a man who deeply loved a woman. She found his dirty little secret (heroin) and he felt like he ruined her life. Never have I identified more with a lyric.
I have a deep (maybe bottomless) well of pain for causing my life to get this point. Mrs. Duke was along for the ride; too much heart to say something, too much love to leave. I have wasted so much time. I have sat idle for so long. I have squandered the gifts God gave me. At one point I had so much to look forward to. Now I fear that getting to where I think God wanted me to be, may take too much time. I would have loved to do it earlier but failed, for whatever reason.
The picture I had of where I would be at this point is certainly not here. I drive a truck, separated from not only Mrs. Duke, but from any real chance of getting on that path. I know what caused me to get here. I know where, and how, I failed. I just don't know how it went so long without me waking up. I may never get over taking Mrs. Duke down this road. I may never get over what I have wasted.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Doing cartwheels in my sleep...
Night before last Mrs. Duke and I were laying down to go to sleep. We took our customary starting positions, she on her side with her back to me, and I on my side up against her, with my arms around her. I think the warmness against her back is soothing for her, I hope it is anyway. Her back was hurting and I asked if she wanted me to rub it. She said no she just wanted me to hold her, and with that statement she grabbed my hand and pulled it up between her two hands and five minutes later was snoring.
I didn't say a word. She just said she wanted me to hold her. I wanted to cheer. I wanted to jump up and down. I wanted run up and down the hallway shouting yes! yes! I couldn't sleep for an hour or more. I just laid there, overrun with joy.
Yes Mrs. Duke I will hold you, gladly, lovingly, for ever.
I didn't say a word. She just said she wanted me to hold her. I wanted to cheer. I wanted to jump up and down. I wanted run up and down the hallway shouting yes! yes! I couldn't sleep for an hour or more. I just laid there, overrun with joy.
Yes Mrs. Duke I will hold you, gladly, lovingly, for ever.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Driving into the storm
My mind has been so jumbled as of late, that I don't remember where this was, or when. I only remember thinking that if I die, people could look at my camera-phone and know that I had gone "Off to meet the Wizard."
Friday, November 30, 2007
Watching Paint Dry
I sit and wait. I pray.
I feel like we have separated, in her mind. Not a formal separation, but that the place i used to occupy in her heart, in her life, and in her thoughts; I no longer occupy. Again, I have no place to put thoughts in her mind, but I can only see what she shows me. I concede that I may be the cause of it. My actions, or inaction, were making me not really a person anymore. Maybe she has grown tired of me, my thoughts, my heart. Maybe she will always care for me in the way you care for close ones you once knew. Maybe she really does love me. Maybe there is another problem. Possibly a life problem that she has yet to deal with. I may be the cause of that too.
She has a friend that she talks to a lot. She shares her thoughts with him. Maybe he is replacing me. They talk, they flirt, he more so than her. She says the flirting is dealing with their characters. But it is mingled in with real life discussions, out side of the game she role plays in. There is no defining element between the flirting and the talking. She talks to him all the time. I don't mind that, everyone has friends. But she talks to me very little. She shares with him every little thing. She shares feelings, thoughts, events in her day. When we talk, I get very little. Maybe she is all talked out. She once said that she needs time to respond, email gave her time to do that. In a conversation she doesn't have that response time. I have email. I have text messaging. Why doesn't she want to share with me.
When I first started driving, after the newness wore off (month 2), I had a hard time dealing with not being with Mrs. Duke. I never told her how hard I was having it. Sure I mentioned that I missed her and that being away sucked, but i never really told her all of it. Laying in a dark truck, in God-knows-where, feeling like I want to die. I really considered waiting for the insurance to kick in and waiting the two years for the suicide clause to wear off and ending my life. I felt that I had separated two people who were so close. I felt that I had caused too much pain to recover from. I laid there night after night. Some nights never calling home, and glad to not have to. I had to do something.
I walled up those feelings. I concentrated on working, on movies, on games. I Walled myself off from some of my deepest feelings for her. I continued to not say anything to her because I had done that so many times before. Gotten a job, hated it, and quit. I could not do it this time. I could not let her down. I told everybody that I was fine, told them I loved my work.
In reality I created a situation where, even when I was home, I kept those feelings walled up so I would be able to go back out on the road when I had to. She got very little from me. She told someone once that she didn't really have a problem missing me. Is that because she no longer wants me around? Or is it, as she told me, that she was really good at setting those feeling aside. (feelings for me?) I understand about financial stability. Its not about the work. The wake-up I have recently undergone, the one that is causing me to get back to this blog, has helped me see where I went wrong. I see how I have screwed up. If Mrs. Duke has set aside her feelings for me, I understand. After all, I have been screwing up for years. But I cannot wall-up anymore. Because of this, I recently asked Mrs. Duke to text me to tell me about her day, or to just say hello, so I felt like a part of her life. She did not do it at first. Either she did not want to, or forgot about me. She did, however, carry on many conversations with her friend, and shared every thing with him.
Maybe she walled up her feelings too. Maybe she doesn't have them anymore. Maybe her friend has replaced me. Maybe she doesn't want to talk to me, but does so for my benefit. That's no good. I wanted her to text me because she wanted to. It makes me feel better sure, but not if she is being forced to do it.
That goes for all the little things from the earlier post. All of these little things she used to do. Such as her talking to me, referencing me in her passwords, wanting to spend time around me. I don't want her to do them for my benefit. She used to do them for her, for the way she feels about making me happy, or just to let me know she loved me. If I felt that she started doing those things again just for me, I'd rather her not bother. Its really about her wanting me and wanting to share life.
Maybe the hurt I have caused has made it necessary for her to set aside her feelings for me. Maybe they are still there but she is afraid to let them back out for fear that I am still in the cycle that caused the pain to begin with. I can accept that. As a matter of fact, I would prefer it. I would not ask her to bring all of those feelings back. I want her to hold back until she is comfortable, releasing a little at a time as she wants. That at least means she still has feelings for me. I hope if this is the case, that she doesn't have to hold them back for so long that she loses them, and I her. But I wish she would just talk to me.
Jesus, Mrs. Duke, anyone...is anyone listening? Does anyone care?
I feel like we have separated, in her mind. Not a formal separation, but that the place i used to occupy in her heart, in her life, and in her thoughts; I no longer occupy. Again, I have no place to put thoughts in her mind, but I can only see what she shows me. I concede that I may be the cause of it. My actions, or inaction, were making me not really a person anymore. Maybe she has grown tired of me, my thoughts, my heart. Maybe she will always care for me in the way you care for close ones you once knew. Maybe she really does love me. Maybe there is another problem. Possibly a life problem that she has yet to deal with. I may be the cause of that too.
She has a friend that she talks to a lot. She shares her thoughts with him. Maybe he is replacing me. They talk, they flirt, he more so than her. She says the flirting is dealing with their characters. But it is mingled in with real life discussions, out side of the game she role plays in. There is no defining element between the flirting and the talking. She talks to him all the time. I don't mind that, everyone has friends. But she talks to me very little. She shares with him every little thing. She shares feelings, thoughts, events in her day. When we talk, I get very little. Maybe she is all talked out. She once said that she needs time to respond, email gave her time to do that. In a conversation she doesn't have that response time. I have email. I have text messaging. Why doesn't she want to share with me.
When I first started driving, after the newness wore off (month 2), I had a hard time dealing with not being with Mrs. Duke. I never told her how hard I was having it. Sure I mentioned that I missed her and that being away sucked, but i never really told her all of it. Laying in a dark truck, in God-knows-where, feeling like I want to die. I really considered waiting for the insurance to kick in and waiting the two years for the suicide clause to wear off and ending my life. I felt that I had separated two people who were so close. I felt that I had caused too much pain to recover from. I laid there night after night. Some nights never calling home, and glad to not have to. I had to do something.
I walled up those feelings. I concentrated on working, on movies, on games. I Walled myself off from some of my deepest feelings for her. I continued to not say anything to her because I had done that so many times before. Gotten a job, hated it, and quit. I could not do it this time. I could not let her down. I told everybody that I was fine, told them I loved my work.
In reality I created a situation where, even when I was home, I kept those feelings walled up so I would be able to go back out on the road when I had to. She got very little from me. She told someone once that she didn't really have a problem missing me. Is that because she no longer wants me around? Or is it, as she told me, that she was really good at setting those feeling aside. (feelings for me?) I understand about financial stability. Its not about the work. The wake-up I have recently undergone, the one that is causing me to get back to this blog, has helped me see where I went wrong. I see how I have screwed up. If Mrs. Duke has set aside her feelings for me, I understand. After all, I have been screwing up for years. But I cannot wall-up anymore. Because of this, I recently asked Mrs. Duke to text me to tell me about her day, or to just say hello, so I felt like a part of her life. She did not do it at first. Either she did not want to, or forgot about me. She did, however, carry on many conversations with her friend, and shared every thing with him.
Maybe she walled up her feelings too. Maybe she doesn't have them anymore. Maybe her friend has replaced me. Maybe she doesn't want to talk to me, but does so for my benefit. That's no good. I wanted her to text me because she wanted to. It makes me feel better sure, but not if she is being forced to do it.
That goes for all the little things from the earlier post. All of these little things she used to do. Such as her talking to me, referencing me in her passwords, wanting to spend time around me. I don't want her to do them for my benefit. She used to do them for her, for the way she feels about making me happy, or just to let me know she loved me. If I felt that she started doing those things again just for me, I'd rather her not bother. Its really about her wanting me and wanting to share life.
Maybe the hurt I have caused has made it necessary for her to set aside her feelings for me. Maybe they are still there but she is afraid to let them back out for fear that I am still in the cycle that caused the pain to begin with. I can accept that. As a matter of fact, I would prefer it. I would not ask her to bring all of those feelings back. I want her to hold back until she is comfortable, releasing a little at a time as she wants. That at least means she still has feelings for me. I hope if this is the case, that she doesn't have to hold them back for so long that she loses them, and I her. But I wish she would just talk to me.
Jesus, Mrs. Duke, anyone...is anyone listening? Does anyone care?
A long time...
Since those first wee posts, my life has turned to general shit. Not even bullshit, or prize-winning thoroughbred horse shit; just general shit.
I have been asleep at the switch for years. My life has degraded over time, sunken-in, almost collapsed upon itself. But that is only the beginning.
I used to be so very close to Mrs. Duke. We used to want to be around each other. Now she shows me in many ways that she is not feeling that way anymore. Its not that I want her to do things, to say things, so that i feel like she loves me. I want her to to love me, that is all. There was a time where she would do these little things that reminded me I was her love. She doesn't do them anymore. For example, she used to make all of her passwords a reference to me. Not that I had to know the passwords, or want to control her password choice. She did that from the time she hooked up her own phone line after college. I didn't ask for it. I loved it, but didn't require her to do it. She no longer does that anymore. She has journals and webspaces that she may not want me to know about. Not that she isn't allowed to have those things, but its almost like she is starting to not want me to be apart of those things, a part of her life. That's what upsets me, she doesn't want me to be a part of her life anymore.
Maybe she feels that if she shared more with me I would flip out, I have done that. But only because I felt left out of her life, her thoughts. Maybe she feels that i don't care. That's valid considering the way I have acted for years.
I don't know. She doesn't talk to me much anymore.
I have been asleep at the switch for years. My life has degraded over time, sunken-in, almost collapsed upon itself. But that is only the beginning.
I used to be so very close to Mrs. Duke. We used to want to be around each other. Now she shows me in many ways that she is not feeling that way anymore. Its not that I want her to do things, to say things, so that i feel like she loves me. I want her to to love me, that is all. There was a time where she would do these little things that reminded me I was her love. She doesn't do them anymore. For example, she used to make all of her passwords a reference to me. Not that I had to know the passwords, or want to control her password choice. She did that from the time she hooked up her own phone line after college. I didn't ask for it. I loved it, but didn't require her to do it. She no longer does that anymore. She has journals and webspaces that she may not want me to know about. Not that she isn't allowed to have those things, but its almost like she is starting to not want me to be apart of those things, a part of her life. That's what upsets me, she doesn't want me to be a part of her life anymore.
Maybe she feels that if she shared more with me I would flip out, I have done that. But only because I felt left out of her life, her thoughts. Maybe she feels that i don't care. That's valid considering the way I have acted for years.
I don't know. She doesn't talk to me much anymore.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
The journal of Robet Torus
“ I have nothing to say.” With that declaration, the judge called for the jury to deliberate. Everyone looked at me as they led me out of the room. Their faces showed their anticipation. What exactly they were waiting for varied from person to person I suppose. Some probably waited for a sign of remorse, many waited for me to do something monstrous. What happened to the idea of innocent until proven guilty. I see now that the idea of public executions never really left us. Originally the advertisement for a “gala event“ meant the gallows were the feature attraction. Well, welcome to my gala event.
One the ride back to holding, I stare into the sunset wondering if God is happy with me. I ask the
“Don’t overestimate yourself,” he sneers.
“Keep your glasses, no one should profit off of the deeds of Robert Torus,” he said.
Everyone will profit from my deeds I thought. I don’t’ expect any of the humans to understand, and do not mind that they will put me to death for upsetting them. I will try to explain the reasons for my actions. Not for vindication, but as a lesson for everyone to learn years from now. I have yet to pick a recorder for this lesson. I have been consistently approached by writers of different varieties, but they are all so similar its disheartening.
What to tell an author? Why did I do it? Boring questions presented by people who cannot handle anything other than a boring response. If God had not specifically stated that I tell someone at the end, I would say nothing and try to hurry the whole trial and death drama. As I return to my cell, I silently lament the receding daylight. The guards do not provide me with light other than a window. When the sun drops, and the darkness falls outside, I get to sit in the dark because the animals see me as the animal.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Beginning.
Welcome. It is 2:47 am, and I am playing around with blogger, picasa and such. I have a little insomnia this evening due, as usual, to a racing mind. I hope to use this as a release of some of these ideas. If you see something you like, let me know. I would also like critiques on writing style and voice.
Thanks for stopping by.
Thanks for stopping by.
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