A long time...

Since those first wee posts, my life has turned to general shit. Not even bullshit, or prize-winning thoroughbred horse shit; just general shit.

I have been asleep at the switch for years. My life has degraded over time, sunken-in, almost collapsed upon itself. But that is only the beginning.

I used to be so very close to Mrs. Duke. We used to want to be around each other. Now she shows me in many ways that she is not feeling that way anymore. Its not that I want her to do things, to say things, so that i feel like she loves me. I want her to to love me, that is all. There was a time where she would do these little things that reminded me I was her love. She doesn't do them anymore. For example, she used to make all of her passwords a reference to me. Not that I had to know the passwords, or want to control her password choice. She did that from the time she hooked up her own phone line after college. I didn't ask for it. I loved it, but didn't require her to do it. She no longer does that anymore. She has journals and webspaces that she may not want me to know about. Not that she isn't allowed to have those things, but its almost like she is starting to not want me to be apart of those things, a part of her life. That's what upsets me, she doesn't want me to be a part of her life anymore.

Maybe she feels that if she shared more with me I would flip out, I have done that. But only because I felt left out of her life, her thoughts. Maybe she feels that i don't care. That's valid considering the way I have acted for years.

I don't know. She doesn't talk to me much anymore.