Watching Paint Dry

I sit and wait. I pray.

I feel like we have separated, in her mind. Not a formal separation, but that the place i used to occupy in her heart, in her life, and in her thoughts; I no longer occupy. Again, I have no place to put thoughts in her mind, but I can only see what she shows me. I concede that I may be the cause of it. My actions, or inaction, were making me not really a person anymore. Maybe she has grown tired of me, my thoughts, my heart. Maybe she will always care for me in the way you care for close ones you once knew. Maybe she really does love me. Maybe there is another problem. Possibly a life problem that she has yet to deal with. I may be the cause of that too.

She has a friend that she talks to a lot. She shares her thoughts with him. Maybe he is replacing me. They talk, they flirt, he more so than her. She says the flirting is dealing with their characters. But it is mingled in with real life discussions, out side of the game she role plays in. There is no defining element between the flirting and the talking. She talks to him all the time. I don't mind that, everyone has friends. But she talks to me very little. She shares with him every little thing. She shares feelings, thoughts, events in her day. When we talk, I get very little. Maybe she is all talked out. She once said that she needs time to respond, email gave her time to do that. In a conversation she doesn't have that response time. I have email. I have text messaging. Why doesn't she want to share with me.

When I first started driving, after the newness wore off (month 2), I had a hard time dealing with not being with Mrs. Duke. I never told her how hard I was having it. Sure I mentioned that I missed her and that being away sucked, but i never really told her all of it. Laying in a dark truck, in God-knows-where, feeling like I want to die. I really considered waiting for the insurance to kick in and waiting the two years for the suicide clause to wear off and ending my life. I felt that I had separated two people who were so close. I felt that I had caused too much pain to recover from. I laid there night after night. Some nights never calling home, and glad to not have to. I had to do something.

I walled up those feelings. I concentrated on working, on movies, on games. I Walled myself off from some of my deepest feelings for her. I continued to not say anything to her because I had done that so many times before. Gotten a job, hated it, and quit. I could not do it this time. I could not let her down. I told everybody that I was fine, told them I loved my work.

In reality I created a situation where, even when I was home, I kept those feelings walled up so I would be able to go back out on the road when I had to. She got very little from me. She told someone once that she didn't really have a problem missing me. Is that because she no longer wants me around? Or is it, as she told me, that she was really good at setting those feeling aside. (feelings for me?) I understand about financial stability. Its not about the work. The wake-up I have recently undergone, the one that is causing me to get back to this blog, has helped me see where I went wrong. I see how I have screwed up. If Mrs. Duke has set aside her feelings for me, I understand. After all, I have been screwing up for years. But I cannot wall-up anymore. Because of this, I recently asked Mrs. Duke to text me to tell me about her day, or to just say hello, so I felt like a part of her life. She did not do it at first. Either she did not want to, or forgot about me. She did, however, carry on many conversations with her friend, and shared every thing with him.

Maybe she walled up her feelings too. Maybe she doesn't have them anymore. Maybe her friend has replaced me. Maybe she doesn't want to talk to me, but does so for my benefit. That's no good. I wanted her to text me because she wanted to. It makes me feel better sure, but not if she is being forced to do it.

That goes for all the little things from the earlier post. All of these little things she used to do. Such as her talking to me, referencing me in her passwords, wanting to spend time around me. I don't want her to do them for my benefit. She used to do them for her, for the way she feels about making me happy, or just to let me know she loved me. If I felt that she started doing those things again just for me, I'd rather her not bother. Its really about her wanting me and wanting to share life.

Maybe the hurt I have caused has made it necessary for her to set aside her feelings for me. Maybe they are still there but she is afraid to let them back out for fear that I am still in the cycle that caused the pain to begin with. I can accept that. As a matter of fact, I would prefer it. I would not ask her to bring all of those feelings back. I want her to hold back until she is comfortable, releasing a little at a time as she wants. That at least means she still has feelings for me. I hope if this is the case, that she doesn't have to hold them back for so long that she loses them, and I her. But I wish she would just talk to me.

Jesus, Mrs. Duke, anyone...is anyone listening? Does anyone care?