Ya know, sometimes I feel like a whiny bitch. Wanting to tell Mrs. Duke I feel like this or I feel like that. I wonder if it seems to her that I have all of these feelings, like a woman. I wonder if I seem to be less of a man to her. I wonder if I seem fragile because I always tell her about my feelings. She makes it seem nowadays that I either am telling her a bunch of bullshit to get her reaction, or that she has heard so much about how I feel, she can't take much more or doesn't care.
I tell her how I feel. But it is not because I am feminine. There is an altogether different reason. one which I don't think Mrs. Duke knows.
When I was 19, I was married to my first wife. I worked two jobs and attended college full time. My shoe, my only pair, got a hole in the bottom. I found out one morning that my wife had opened a credit card in my name. She didn't tell me, she just forged the signature. She had this card, and had kept it from me for months. When I found out, I told her I needed new shoes. She could see that, but refused to let go get any. She said that she needed a dress and was going to spend money on that and didn't want to run up a big credit card bill.
We argued. Her side was she wanted to keep the card payment low. My side was I worked two jobs and had only one pair of shoes, and they had a hole in the bottom. Oh, and it was my fucking card!
We got into a fight and I, I still don't quite remember why, I began to choke her. I am ashamed of this. I have not told this story. But anyway I began to choke her. It was only for a second. But I had maliciously put my hands on a girl.
I got up immediately. I left the house and didn't come back all day. Not because I was mad, but because I was scared. I realized that day, I had to figure out a way to deal with anger and rage.
For the rest of our time together, I never put my hands on her in a harmful manner ever again. She did hit me. She busted my head open one time, and scratched me till I bled another time. But I never even got close to being violent with her again.
I worked out a system. One that worked for me and still does. It goes like this. Lets say that an event hurts me. Like all men, when I get hurt inside, I get pissed off. The moment it happens, I do nothing. That's right nothing. In reality, anything I could say when I am pissed and hurt is just going to be mean. So I do nothing. I work over a period of time, usually about two days, trying to get past the initial anger finding some sense in whatever happened to hurt me. That thinking gives me questions. Then when I am calm, I ask those questions. To get out the pain and anger I talk.
This is where I think Mrs. Duke may be tired of hearing how I feel all the time. I hate that. I don't know for sure what she feels about it. She doesn't talk about it. But her actions and attitude give me that vibe.
It is unfortunate if she does hate to hear about feelings. It sucks that she may think I am fragile, or feminine. But at least I don't drink, do drugs, cheat on her, or worst of all get violent.
It she is getting to where she can't deal with it anymore, I can't help that. If she is starting to have problems with me, or her image of me, then fuck it.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
I'll have to stop soon.
I actually didn't stop for another four hours. I had to get to a place, I can't just stop anywhere. It was dark, and ice had started to fall with the snow. It was a lonely day, Saturdays usually are for me. I got one call from P, but none from home -sigh-
Its getting worse
These roads aren't all that bad. When you start to have trouble finding the white line on your right...it's time to slow down and think about stopping.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Fears, fears everywhere; and not a drop of liquor...
I don't know. I talk to Mrs. Duke now and I feel that she loves me. I can get over how she hurt me this year, but am having trouble with the why.
It helps to understand that when we married she had such a big heart. I even talked to her one day about how life doesn't go the way you plan and sometimes that causes people to lose that big heart. She had very little anger towards anything. She had almost no ability to be mean to anyone. Even if she went in a store and the clerk was rude, she would not like it, but would move on and decide rather quickly that the clerk might have had other troubles. If she thought she had hurt someone, anyone, she would get upset. If she thought she would hurt me, she would be devastated.
I love her, and I feel that she loves me. Love is not the lynch pin of this thought.
I see less of that heart in her. She has hurt me this year, badly. She admits to hurting me, to lying to me. She knows, somewhere inside, that she has done the worst possible things to me this year, hurt me more than she would have thought she were capable of two years ago. Two years ago she would have not been capable of it.
That's what really bothers me. What happened in the last two years? She seems to have lost that big heart. Not just with me, but in general. Life can be a polarizing experience. It gives many people a jaded view. I didn't expect her to not be affected by this phenomenon. But I hoped that as life's storms pounded at our windows, we would draw together and take them on, not drift apart.
Take for example World of Warcraft. When I first started playing, I thought Mrs. Duke would love it. She loved people, she liked games, especially thought-provoking ones. I began teaching her about it. I felt like the only thing better than playing would be playing with her. We finally got it set up where we could play together. But soon after she started drifting away. I suppose she would say that I drifted, and that's fine. The point is she found a style of playing, that was different than mine. She started wanting to spend time playing with players who matched her style. I wanted to go through that game together. Like in life I wanted she and I to be a team, a couple. But she soon started spending more and more time with her game friends. We drifted apart, no longer a team, but just two people going about their own way; like real life.
Now in the game, she has a whole world of friends. I don't even play. If I did, and wanted her to play with me, I would get her, but only if the guild didn't need her. Now I'm not saying that either of us shouldn't have friends, or that she shouldn't have responsibilities to those friends; merely that we are far from a team anymore.
In real life, I feel it is the same. When she has problems, she seems to deal with them the way her dad does; say nothing, let it fester until you...
I wanted for her to come to me. I wanted her problems to be my problems.
For the longest time. I couldn't handle problems. Because of depression, she didn't feel like she could tell me problems. That's entirely understandable. I fear now that I have forced her to deal internally with her own problems so much, that it's habit.
An idea came to me yesterday. With me being gone all the time, and her having to set aside missing me, maybe she had to wall up some of her feelings for me. Maybe she did this without knowing. That would explain how she could hurt me so much and not be that upset by it.
Maybe Mrs. Duke has some problem in her life, a big problem, festering inside. If she does, she hasn't said a word to me. I have even asked her about things I thought could be bothering her. She says she's fine. I think that is a load of shit, but you can't argue with someone about the way they feel. Maybe she thinks she is fine. Maybe, and this is even worse, she doesn't think she can tell me. Maybe she feels like her life is ruined, even over to an extent. But she doesn't tell me.
If the things I think are bothering her really are, then I don't know what to do. It will take time for me to get my life on track. If she feels that her life is ruined, and too much time has passed, then more time will only exacerbate her problem. Her life is not over. There are so many things left to be done. But how can you show someone that. Isn't that something they have to see.
I am unhappy with us being two people who are married. I want to be a team again. I want it to be "she and I against the world." I want her heart to soften again. We are on divergent paths at the moment. I caused it, all of it. But now I want to cause something else...I hope it is not too late.
Re-reading her blog, covering the last two years, a pattern shows. One can see her begin to have problems with her life, her feelings about her self, and for me. In '05 she says that her guild may not accept me, but notes that if she had to choose, she would choose her husband. Today if I asked her to give up her current characters, not the game, not RP, just her current characters; and start anew with me and us be a "team", it would probably end in divorce. She notes that i said "i am beginning to hate your guild." What she doesn't say is that I said that because she started to want, WANT, to go through the game with them instead of me. I wanted to take her places in that game. I wanted to share things with her. I wanted to take her to high level dungeons. She knew this at the time. I remember the night she called me and told me that her guild wanted to take her to a high-level dungeon. She wanted to go and told me so. What was I going to say, no? I have never wanted her to not do what she wanted. I didn't want her to not go with someone else if she wanted to go. I understand her wanting to go and see it. The problem is she wanted to go with them, not to wait for me to share it with her. She didn't want for us to share the game together. That's what hurt. Not where she went, or who she went with, but that she didn't want for us to do it together. That still stings me to this day.
I am willing to try to learn how to RP. I think it is interesting. It can be quite the creative release. But it may be a stretch for me. I don't act. I don't get close to people (so I don't care what they are doing...this is bad and one of the things I am changing about myself.) But I think it can help me get out of my shell some. It can help me learn to deal with people. But I am really trying it because Mrs. Duke loves it so much. If we could share it, it would be awesome. But she has never showed an interest in playing with me before, possibly because I didn't RP. But even then she never tried to get me into it. She got into it and went off with her new friends. We have never forced the other to do things. But she never even tried to teach me, or get me interested in RP. I felt like she found a guy she had so much in common with, she didn't need me.
In real life, it is much the same now. She has friends she talks to everyday. She has this problem and that problem, and never tells me. In the past two weeks, she has completely turned around, but she is starting to slip again. She has been calling me every night, but last night she didn't. When i asked her, she said "I thought you were gonna call me." I don't know why she thought that, I haven't called her in two weeks, she has called me every time. As long as I stay out here, in this truck, we will continue to drift apart. I can slow it, but not stop it. I am afraid when I get home all the time, it will not help. I am afraid that she has a whole other life now, and no longer cares (really, deeply) if I am around. I mean I know she cares on some level, but I mean more like a "I love him and don't want to be without him" thought.
I don't know what to think really. Its all so surreal. There is no way to adequately describe the emotional change in her in these last two years. I am glad she doesn't read this blog. The Mrs. Duke from two years ago would be so sad and in tears if she read this. She would be so upset about hurting me and making me feel this way. Today's Mrs. Duke would get mad, or maybe a little pissed at least. She thinks I'm full of shit on a lot of things now. She told me that the other day, that I'm full of shit.
There are two things I have never been to her. One of them is dishonest. Her comment hurt me so much, I feel it will never leave me. I started writing this blog partly because I can no longer talk to someone who feels about me like that. Although it is helping me to get stuff out and let people read it. It is breaking down walls.
But for Mrs. Duke, I cannot know where this will go. I look everyday for jobs where I can be home. I think it starts there. But if she continues to be the person I have seen this year, not in the past two weeks but the rest of the year, I don't know. I have stopped dicking around at home and started to get things done. I haven't had depression in weeks. I have had sad times, like right now, but they are momentary. My head is clear. I have even noticed some positive thoughts in my head. But i just can't get over not knowing why Mrs. Duke has changed so much. I can't get over why she had so little problem hurting me and lying to me. I may never get those answers, and truthfully, hope to get to a point where they don't matter. But between those questions and worries about Mrs. Duke emotional health, I get sad some.
It helps to understand that when we married she had such a big heart. I even talked to her one day about how life doesn't go the way you plan and sometimes that causes people to lose that big heart. She had very little anger towards anything. She had almost no ability to be mean to anyone. Even if she went in a store and the clerk was rude, she would not like it, but would move on and decide rather quickly that the clerk might have had other troubles. If she thought she had hurt someone, anyone, she would get upset. If she thought she would hurt me, she would be devastated.
I love her, and I feel that she loves me. Love is not the lynch pin of this thought.
I see less of that heart in her. She has hurt me this year, badly. She admits to hurting me, to lying to me. She knows, somewhere inside, that she has done the worst possible things to me this year, hurt me more than she would have thought she were capable of two years ago. Two years ago she would have not been capable of it.
That's what really bothers me. What happened in the last two years? She seems to have lost that big heart. Not just with me, but in general. Life can be a polarizing experience. It gives many people a jaded view. I didn't expect her to not be affected by this phenomenon. But I hoped that as life's storms pounded at our windows, we would draw together and take them on, not drift apart.
Take for example World of Warcraft. When I first started playing, I thought Mrs. Duke would love it. She loved people, she liked games, especially thought-provoking ones. I began teaching her about it. I felt like the only thing better than playing would be playing with her. We finally got it set up where we could play together. But soon after she started drifting away. I suppose she would say that I drifted, and that's fine. The point is she found a style of playing, that was different than mine. She started wanting to spend time playing with players who matched her style. I wanted to go through that game together. Like in life I wanted she and I to be a team, a couple. But she soon started spending more and more time with her game friends. We drifted apart, no longer a team, but just two people going about their own way; like real life.
Now in the game, she has a whole world of friends. I don't even play. If I did, and wanted her to play with me, I would get her, but only if the guild didn't need her. Now I'm not saying that either of us shouldn't have friends, or that she shouldn't have responsibilities to those friends; merely that we are far from a team anymore.
In real life, I feel it is the same. When she has problems, she seems to deal with them the way her dad does; say nothing, let it fester until you...
I wanted for her to come to me. I wanted her problems to be my problems.
For the longest time. I couldn't handle problems. Because of depression, she didn't feel like she could tell me problems. That's entirely understandable. I fear now that I have forced her to deal internally with her own problems so much, that it's habit.
An idea came to me yesterday. With me being gone all the time, and her having to set aside missing me, maybe she had to wall up some of her feelings for me. Maybe she did this without knowing. That would explain how she could hurt me so much and not be that upset by it.
Maybe Mrs. Duke has some problem in her life, a big problem, festering inside. If she does, she hasn't said a word to me. I have even asked her about things I thought could be bothering her. She says she's fine. I think that is a load of shit, but you can't argue with someone about the way they feel. Maybe she thinks she is fine. Maybe, and this is even worse, she doesn't think she can tell me. Maybe she feels like her life is ruined, even over to an extent. But she doesn't tell me.
If the things I think are bothering her really are, then I don't know what to do. It will take time for me to get my life on track. If she feels that her life is ruined, and too much time has passed, then more time will only exacerbate her problem. Her life is not over. There are so many things left to be done. But how can you show someone that. Isn't that something they have to see.
I am unhappy with us being two people who are married. I want to be a team again. I want it to be "she and I against the world." I want her heart to soften again. We are on divergent paths at the moment. I caused it, all of it. But now I want to cause something else...I hope it is not too late.
Re-reading her blog, covering the last two years, a pattern shows. One can see her begin to have problems with her life, her feelings about her self, and for me. In '05 she says that her guild may not accept me, but notes that if she had to choose, she would choose her husband. Today if I asked her to give up her current characters, not the game, not RP, just her current characters; and start anew with me and us be a "team", it would probably end in divorce. She notes that i said "i am beginning to hate your guild." What she doesn't say is that I said that because she started to want, WANT, to go through the game with them instead of me. I wanted to take her places in that game. I wanted to share things with her. I wanted to take her to high level dungeons. She knew this at the time. I remember the night she called me and told me that her guild wanted to take her to a high-level dungeon. She wanted to go and told me so. What was I going to say, no? I have never wanted her to not do what she wanted. I didn't want her to not go with someone else if she wanted to go. I understand her wanting to go and see it. The problem is she wanted to go with them, not to wait for me to share it with her. She didn't want for us to share the game together. That's what hurt. Not where she went, or who she went with, but that she didn't want for us to do it together. That still stings me to this day.
I am willing to try to learn how to RP. I think it is interesting. It can be quite the creative release. But it may be a stretch for me. I don't act. I don't get close to people (so I don't care what they are doing...this is bad and one of the things I am changing about myself.) But I think it can help me get out of my shell some. It can help me learn to deal with people. But I am really trying it because Mrs. Duke loves it so much. If we could share it, it would be awesome. But she has never showed an interest in playing with me before, possibly because I didn't RP. But even then she never tried to get me into it. She got into it and went off with her new friends. We have never forced the other to do things. But she never even tried to teach me, or get me interested in RP. I felt like she found a guy she had so much in common with, she didn't need me.
In real life, it is much the same now. She has friends she talks to everyday. She has this problem and that problem, and never tells me. In the past two weeks, she has completely turned around, but she is starting to slip again. She has been calling me every night, but last night she didn't. When i asked her, she said "I thought you were gonna call me." I don't know why she thought that, I haven't called her in two weeks, she has called me every time. As long as I stay out here, in this truck, we will continue to drift apart. I can slow it, but not stop it. I am afraid when I get home all the time, it will not help. I am afraid that she has a whole other life now, and no longer cares (really, deeply) if I am around. I mean I know she cares on some level, but I mean more like a "I love him and don't want to be without him" thought.
I don't know what to think really. Its all so surreal. There is no way to adequately describe the emotional change in her in these last two years. I am glad she doesn't read this blog. The Mrs. Duke from two years ago would be so sad and in tears if she read this. She would be so upset about hurting me and making me feel this way. Today's Mrs. Duke would get mad, or maybe a little pissed at least. She thinks I'm full of shit on a lot of things now. She told me that the other day, that I'm full of shit.
There are two things I have never been to her. One of them is dishonest. Her comment hurt me so much, I feel it will never leave me. I started writing this blog partly because I can no longer talk to someone who feels about me like that. Although it is helping me to get stuff out and let people read it. It is breaking down walls.
But for Mrs. Duke, I cannot know where this will go. I look everyday for jobs where I can be home. I think it starts there. But if she continues to be the person I have seen this year, not in the past two weeks but the rest of the year, I don't know. I have stopped dicking around at home and started to get things done. I haven't had depression in weeks. I have had sad times, like right now, but they are momentary. My head is clear. I have even noticed some positive thoughts in my head. But i just can't get over not knowing why Mrs. Duke has changed so much. I can't get over why she had so little problem hurting me and lying to me. I may never get those answers, and truthfully, hope to get to a point where they don't matter. But between those questions and worries about Mrs. Duke emotional health, I get sad some.
Friday, December 07, 2007
...and i do appreciate you being 'round...
I said earlier that I didn't know how I got on this path. A friend recently, unknowingly helped me.
His father was so close to him. They worked together, and played together. Then, without warning, his father passed away. What followed was bad. Worse than anything I have dealt with. I hated to hear his story because in it he lost everything. His mindset after his father's passing caused everything to go downhill. His wife eventually had to leave.
After hearing his story, after the initial sadness wore off, I began to think about how he turned it around. To hear that a man could have his life fall apart, then pick up the pieces, and climb back to where he wanted to be; was, to say the least, encouraging. I found in his story, hints of a strength of character that I wish I had.
My parents were not ones to achieve their dreams. I am sure they had them, although they have never told me any of them. But they never seemed willing to do the hard, boring shit it takes to get things done. I came out just like them.
I stand around even now and wonder how I got down this path...in this truck. I stare blankly out at the world and wonder how I screwed up and how do I fix it. I wonder where will I fit in, where do I go from here. I spend most days thinking of how I want things to be. I picture this and hope for that. But I have yet do any of the hard, boring shit it takes to make it happen.
My friend tells me of fixing the car, or fixing the house. He works here, and goes there. He gets things done. He may want more, but we all do. The real point is he gets what he works for. When i talk to him I have nothing. Maybe I have seen a movie, or maybe a good TV show, but no actual accomplishments.
I have to stop this. I know what I want. I just need to begin the proper steps through the hard, boring shit to get it.
I want to get a job that gets me home each night. This is a pain to do. But there are several things I need to do at home. Such as repairs, spend time with Mrs. Duke, and school.
I want to finish a four-year degree. This takes me either seeing through an online setup, or in class time at a nearby school.
I want to attend post-graduate school. I have the ability to get any degree I choose. I just need the time and money. The money worries me less than the time, because I wonder if Mrs. Duke will stay with me.
I want to build Mrs. Duke a farmhouse. She has always wanted one, and ever since hearing that I have wanted to give her one.
I want to see some of the world's sights. I see most of the U.S. But I want to see some things up close and have time to enjoy them, like the St. Louis Arch and the Pocono resort.
These things are what I used to dream about. The problem is that is all I did. I need to take a cue from my friend who picked up pieces of a broken life, and found the strength to put them back together.
His father was so close to him. They worked together, and played together. Then, without warning, his father passed away. What followed was bad. Worse than anything I have dealt with. I hated to hear his story because in it he lost everything. His mindset after his father's passing caused everything to go downhill. His wife eventually had to leave.
After hearing his story, after the initial sadness wore off, I began to think about how he turned it around. To hear that a man could have his life fall apart, then pick up the pieces, and climb back to where he wanted to be; was, to say the least, encouraging. I found in his story, hints of a strength of character that I wish I had.
My parents were not ones to achieve their dreams. I am sure they had them, although they have never told me any of them. But they never seemed willing to do the hard, boring shit it takes to get things done. I came out just like them.
I stand around even now and wonder how I got down this path...in this truck. I stare blankly out at the world and wonder how I screwed up and how do I fix it. I wonder where will I fit in, where do I go from here. I spend most days thinking of how I want things to be. I picture this and hope for that. But I have yet do any of the hard, boring shit it takes to make it happen.
My friend tells me of fixing the car, or fixing the house. He works here, and goes there. He gets things done. He may want more, but we all do. The real point is he gets what he works for. When i talk to him I have nothing. Maybe I have seen a movie, or maybe a good TV show, but no actual accomplishments.
I have to stop this. I know what I want. I just need to begin the proper steps through the hard, boring shit to get it.
I want to get a job that gets me home each night. This is a pain to do. But there are several things I need to do at home. Such as repairs, spend time with Mrs. Duke, and school.
I want to finish a four-year degree. This takes me either seeing through an online setup, or in class time at a nearby school.
I want to attend post-graduate school. I have the ability to get any degree I choose. I just need the time and money. The money worries me less than the time, because I wonder if Mrs. Duke will stay with me.
I want to build Mrs. Duke a farmhouse. She has always wanted one, and ever since hearing that I have wanted to give her one.
I want to see some of the world's sights. I see most of the U.S. But I want to see some things up close and have time to enjoy them, like the St. Louis Arch and the Pocono resort.
These things are what I used to dream about. The problem is that is all I did. I need to take a cue from my friend who picked up pieces of a broken life, and found the strength to put them back together.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
My First Snow Day
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Aqua, Seafoam Shame
I don't know how I got to this point in my life. When I first met Mrs. Duke, I had expectations. I wanted her optimism to rub off on me. I wanted her faith to rub off on me. I wanted her family-values to rub off on me. I wanted to be around her selflessness, and her gigantic heart. My family are total opposites of her. I loved her and wanted to be infected with her.
This did not happen. Her family-values have rubbed off on me. I am working on my faith. But I totally lost the optimism. In fact, it seems these days that her optimism is damaged; her faith, damaged, and her selflessness may be waning. Her heart is hard to find nowadays, in her words, actions, and mannerisms at least.
This is probably due to my life and the negative affect it has had. I have begun to change, probably more on the inside than the outside so far. But real, substantial changes in our life will take time. There are several little things that I can do, but her seeing that it is not "an act" or part of "the cycle" will take time. I hope she doesn't lose anymore heart, optimism, or faith in that time.
"Found my nest of salt....everything's my fault" This line is from a song and speaks about a man who deeply loved a woman. She found his dirty little secret (heroin) and he felt like he ruined her life. Never have I identified more with a lyric.
I have a deep (maybe bottomless) well of pain for causing my life to get this point. Mrs. Duke was along for the ride; too much heart to say something, too much love to leave. I have wasted so much time. I have sat idle for so long. I have squandered the gifts God gave me. At one point I had so much to look forward to. Now I fear that getting to where I think God wanted me to be, may take too much time. I would have loved to do it earlier but failed, for whatever reason.
The picture I had of where I would be at this point is certainly not here. I drive a truck, separated from not only Mrs. Duke, but from any real chance of getting on that path. I know what caused me to get here. I know where, and how, I failed. I just don't know how it went so long without me waking up. I may never get over taking Mrs. Duke down this road. I may never get over what I have wasted.
This did not happen. Her family-values have rubbed off on me. I am working on my faith. But I totally lost the optimism. In fact, it seems these days that her optimism is damaged; her faith, damaged, and her selflessness may be waning. Her heart is hard to find nowadays, in her words, actions, and mannerisms at least.
This is probably due to my life and the negative affect it has had. I have begun to change, probably more on the inside than the outside so far. But real, substantial changes in our life will take time. There are several little things that I can do, but her seeing that it is not "an act" or part of "the cycle" will take time. I hope she doesn't lose anymore heart, optimism, or faith in that time.
"Found my nest of salt....everything's my fault" This line is from a song and speaks about a man who deeply loved a woman. She found his dirty little secret (heroin) and he felt like he ruined her life. Never have I identified more with a lyric.
I have a deep (maybe bottomless) well of pain for causing my life to get this point. Mrs. Duke was along for the ride; too much heart to say something, too much love to leave. I have wasted so much time. I have sat idle for so long. I have squandered the gifts God gave me. At one point I had so much to look forward to. Now I fear that getting to where I think God wanted me to be, may take too much time. I would have loved to do it earlier but failed, for whatever reason.
The picture I had of where I would be at this point is certainly not here. I drive a truck, separated from not only Mrs. Duke, but from any real chance of getting on that path. I know what caused me to get here. I know where, and how, I failed. I just don't know how it went so long without me waking up. I may never get over taking Mrs. Duke down this road. I may never get over what I have wasted.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Doing cartwheels in my sleep...
Night before last Mrs. Duke and I were laying down to go to sleep. We took our customary starting positions, she on her side with her back to me, and I on my side up against her, with my arms around her. I think the warmness against her back is soothing for her, I hope it is anyway. Her back was hurting and I asked if she wanted me to rub it. She said no she just wanted me to hold her, and with that statement she grabbed my hand and pulled it up between her two hands and five minutes later was snoring.
I didn't say a word. She just said she wanted me to hold her. I wanted to cheer. I wanted to jump up and down. I wanted run up and down the hallway shouting yes! yes! I couldn't sleep for an hour or more. I just laid there, overrun with joy.
Yes Mrs. Duke I will hold you, gladly, lovingly, for ever.
I didn't say a word. She just said she wanted me to hold her. I wanted to cheer. I wanted to jump up and down. I wanted run up and down the hallway shouting yes! yes! I couldn't sleep for an hour or more. I just laid there, overrun with joy.
Yes Mrs. Duke I will hold you, gladly, lovingly, for ever.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Driving into the storm
My mind has been so jumbled as of late, that I don't remember where this was, or when. I only remember thinking that if I die, people could look at my camera-phone and know that I had gone "Off to meet the Wizard."
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