...and i do appreciate you being 'round...

I said earlier that I didn't know how I got on this path. A friend recently, unknowingly helped me.

His father was so close to him. They worked together, and played together. Then, without warning, his father passed away. What followed was bad. Worse than anything I have dealt with. I hated to hear his story because in it he lost everything. His mindset after his father's passing caused everything to go downhill. His wife eventually had to leave.

After hearing his story, after the initial sadness wore off, I began to think about how he turned it around. To hear that a man could have his life fall apart, then pick up the pieces, and climb back to where he wanted to be; was, to say the least, encouraging. I found in his story, hints of a strength of character that I wish I had.

My parents were not ones to achieve their dreams. I am sure they had them, although they have never told me any of them. But they never seemed willing to do the hard, boring shit it takes to get things done. I came out just like them.

I stand around even now and wonder how I got down this path...in this truck. I stare blankly out at the world and wonder how I screwed up and how do I fix it. I wonder where will I fit in, where do I go from here. I spend most days thinking of how I want things to be. I picture this and hope for that. But I have yet do any of the hard, boring shit it takes to make it happen.

My friend tells me of fixing the car, or fixing the house. He works here, and goes there. He gets things done. He may want more, but we all do. The real point is he gets what he works for. When i talk to him I have nothing. Maybe I have seen a movie, or maybe a good TV show, but no actual accomplishments.

I have to stop this. I know what I want. I just need to begin the proper steps through the hard, boring shit to get it.

I want to get a job that gets me home each night. This is a pain to do. But there are several things I need to do at home. Such as repairs, spend time with Mrs. Duke, and school.

I want to finish a four-year degree. This takes me either seeing through an online setup, or in class time at a nearby school.

I want to attend post-graduate school. I have the ability to get any degree I choose. I just need the time and money. The money worries me less than the time, because I wonder if Mrs. Duke will stay with me.

I want to build Mrs. Duke a farmhouse. She has always wanted one, and ever since hearing that I have wanted to give her one.

I want to see some of the world's sights. I see most of the U.S. But I want to see some things up close and have time to enjoy them, like the St. Louis Arch and the Pocono resort.

These things are what I used to dream about. The problem is that is all I did. I need to take a cue from my friend who picked up pieces of a broken life, and found the strength to put them back together.