Aqua, Seafoam Shame

I don't know how I got to this point in my life. When I first met Mrs. Duke, I had expectations. I wanted her optimism to rub off on me. I wanted her faith to rub off on me. I wanted her family-values to rub off on me. I wanted to be around her selflessness, and her gigantic heart. My family are total opposites of her. I loved her and wanted to be infected with her.

This did not happen. Her family-values have rubbed off on me. I am working on my faith. But I totally lost the optimism. In fact, it seems these days that her optimism is damaged; her faith, damaged, and her selflessness may be waning. Her heart is hard to find nowadays, in her words, actions, and mannerisms at least.

This is probably due to my life and the negative affect it has had. I have begun to change, probably more on the inside than the outside so far. But real, substantial changes in our life will take time. There are several little things that I can do, but her seeing that it is not "an act" or part of "the cycle" will take time. I hope she doesn't lose anymore heart, optimism, or faith in that time.

"Found my nest of salt....everything's my fault" This line is from a song and speaks about a man who deeply loved a woman. She found his dirty little secret (heroin) and he felt like he ruined her life. Never have I identified more with a lyric.

I have a deep (maybe bottomless) well of pain for causing my life to get this point. Mrs. Duke was along for the ride; too much heart to say something, too much love to leave. I have wasted so much time. I have sat idle for so long. I have squandered the gifts God gave me. At one point I had so much to look forward to. Now I fear that getting to where I think God wanted me to be, may take too much time. I would have loved to do it earlier but failed, for whatever reason.

The picture I had of where I would be at this point is certainly not here. I drive a truck, separated from not only Mrs. Duke, but from any real chance of getting on that path. I know what caused me to get here. I know where, and how, I failed. I just don't know how it went so long without me waking up. I may never get over taking Mrs. Duke down this road. I may never get over what I have wasted.