I don't know. I talk to Mrs. Duke now and I feel that she loves me. I can get over how she hurt me this year, but am having trouble with the why.
It helps to understand that when we married she had such a big heart. I even talked to her one day about how life doesn't go the way you plan and sometimes that causes people to lose that big heart. She had very little anger towards anything. She had almost no ability to be mean to anyone. Even if she went in a store and the clerk was rude, she would not like it, but would move on and decide rather quickly that the clerk might have had other troubles. If she thought she had hurt someone, anyone, she would get upset. If she thought she would hurt me, she would be devastated.
I love her, and I feel that she loves me. Love is not the lynch pin of this thought.
I see less of that heart in her. She has hurt me this year, badly. She admits to hurting me, to lying to me. She knows, somewhere inside, that she has done the worst possible things to me this year, hurt me more than she would have thought she were capable of two years ago. Two years ago she would have not been capable of it.
That's what really bothers me. What happened in the last two years? She seems to have lost that big heart. Not just with me, but in general. Life can be a polarizing experience. It gives many people a jaded view. I didn't expect her to not be affected by this phenomenon. But I hoped that as life's storms pounded at our windows, we would draw together and take them on, not drift apart.
Take for example World of Warcraft. When I first started playing, I thought Mrs. Duke would love it. She loved people, she liked games, especially thought-provoking ones. I began teaching her about it. I felt like the only thing better than playing would be playing with her. We finally got it set up where we could play together. But soon after she started drifting away. I suppose she would say that I drifted, and that's fine. The point is she found a style of playing, that was different than mine. She started wanting to spend time playing with players who matched her style. I wanted to go through that game together. Like in life I wanted she and I to be a team, a couple. But she soon started spending more and more time with her game friends. We drifted apart, no longer a team, but just two people going about their own way; like real life.
Now in the game, she has a whole world of friends. I don't even play. If I did, and wanted her to play with me, I would get her, but only if the guild didn't need her. Now I'm not saying that either of us shouldn't have friends, or that she shouldn't have responsibilities to those friends; merely that we are far from a team anymore.
In real life, I feel it is the same. When she has problems, she seems to deal with them the way her dad does; say nothing, let it fester until you...
I wanted for her to come to me. I wanted her problems to be my problems.
For the longest time. I couldn't handle problems. Because of depression, she didn't feel like she could tell me problems. That's entirely understandable. I fear now that I have forced her to deal internally with her own problems so much, that it's habit.
An idea came to me yesterday. With me being gone all the time, and her having to set aside missing me, maybe she had to wall up some of her feelings for me. Maybe she did this without knowing. That would explain how she could hurt me so much and not be that upset by it.
Maybe Mrs. Duke has some problem in her life, a big problem, festering inside. If she does, she hasn't said a word to me. I have even asked her about things I thought could be bothering her. She says she's fine. I think that is a load of shit, but you can't argue with someone about the way they feel. Maybe she thinks she is fine. Maybe, and this is even worse, she doesn't think she can tell me. Maybe she feels like her life is ruined, even over to an extent. But she doesn't tell me.
If the things I think are bothering her really are, then I don't know what to do. It will take time for me to get my life on track. If she feels that her life is ruined, and too much time has passed, then more time will only exacerbate her problem. Her life is not over. There are so many things left to be done. But how can you show someone that. Isn't that something they have to see.
I am unhappy with us being two people who are married. I want to be a team again. I want it to be "she and I against the world." I want her heart to soften again. We are on divergent paths at the moment. I caused it, all of it. But now I want to cause something else...I hope it is not too late.
Re-reading her blog, covering the last two years, a pattern shows. One can see her begin to have problems with her life, her feelings about her self, and for me. In '05 she says that her guild may not accept me, but notes that if she had to choose, she would choose her husband. Today if I asked her to give up her current characters, not the game, not RP, just her current characters; and start anew with me and us be a "team", it would probably end in divorce. She notes that i said "i am beginning to hate your guild." What she doesn't say is that I said that because she started to want, WANT, to go through the game with them instead of me. I wanted to take her places in that game. I wanted to share things with her. I wanted to take her to high level dungeons. She knew this at the time. I remember the night she called me and told me that her guild wanted to take her to a high-level dungeon. She wanted to go and told me so. What was I going to say, no? I have never wanted her to not do what she wanted. I didn't want her to not go with someone else if she wanted to go. I understand her wanting to go and see it. The problem is she wanted to go with them, not to wait for me to share it with her. She didn't want for us to share the game together. That's what hurt. Not where she went, or who she went with, but that she didn't want for us to do it together. That still stings me to this day.
I am willing to try to learn how to RP. I think it is interesting. It can be quite the creative release. But it may be a stretch for me. I don't act. I don't get close to people (so I don't care what they are doing...this is bad and one of the things I am changing about myself.) But I think it can help me get out of my shell some. It can help me learn to deal with people. But I am really trying it because Mrs. Duke loves it so much. If we could share it, it would be awesome. But she has never showed an interest in playing with me before, possibly because I didn't RP. But even then she never tried to get me into it. She got into it and went off with her new friends. We have never forced the other to do things. But she never even tried to teach me, or get me interested in RP. I felt like she found a guy she had so much in common with, she didn't need me.
In real life, it is much the same now. She has friends she talks to everyday. She has this problem and that problem, and never tells me. In the past two weeks, she has completely turned around, but she is starting to slip again. She has been calling me every night, but last night she didn't. When i asked her, she said "I thought you were gonna call me." I don't know why she thought that, I haven't called her in two weeks, she has called me every time. As long as I stay out here, in this truck, we will continue to drift apart. I can slow it, but not stop it. I am afraid when I get home all the time, it will not help. I am afraid that she has a whole other life now, and no longer cares (really, deeply) if I am around. I mean I know she cares on some level, but I mean more like a "I love him and don't want to be without him" thought.
I don't know what to think really. Its all so surreal. There is no way to adequately describe the emotional change in her in these last two years. I am glad she doesn't read this blog. The Mrs. Duke from two years ago would be so sad and in tears if she read this. She would be so upset about hurting me and making me feel this way. Today's Mrs. Duke would get mad, or maybe a little pissed at least. She thinks I'm full of shit on a lot of things now. She told me that the other day, that I'm full of shit.
There are two things I have never been to her. One of them is dishonest. Her comment hurt me so much, I feel it will never leave me. I started writing this blog partly because I can no longer talk to someone who feels about me like that. Although it is helping me to get stuff out and let people read it. It is breaking down walls.
But for Mrs. Duke, I cannot know where this will go. I look everyday for jobs where I can be home. I think it starts there. But if she continues to be the person I have seen this year, not in the past two weeks but the rest of the year, I don't know. I have stopped dicking around at home and started to get things done. I haven't had depression in weeks. I have had sad times, like right now, but they are momentary. My head is clear. I have even noticed some positive thoughts in my head. But i just can't get over not knowing why Mrs. Duke has changed so much. I can't get over why she had so little problem hurting me and lying to me. I may never get those answers, and truthfully, hope to get to a point where they don't matter. But between those questions and worries about Mrs. Duke emotional health, I get sad some.
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