Mama, we all go to hell.

Well, I have gotten started on the wall in the house where the leak was. The first set of wallpaper is down, and the paste had gotten mold in it from the leak. The mold is gone. We have a new washer box behind the washer and dryer, and the hot water is run to it. Mrs. Duke's computer is rebuilt, and the monitor is replaced. That is more accomplished in two months then had been done in the past year.

So why do I wish I were dead?

I know all too well that I will have days like this. My mind just will not move its focus from the negative. My only thoughts are about how I have ruined Mrs. Duke's life. How she deserved children, and nice things. I can see no way out of my current situation when I am like this. I can't understand how my life got this way. I can so no real benefit from continuing. I will of course. I couldn't ruin Mrs. Duke's life this long and leave her a widow at such a young age.

The job search is futile it seems. No one wants me. I don't blame them.

If I could script the rest of my life, today at least, it would go this way. I stop and buy a lotto ticket. The next day it wins millions. I put the ticket in my wallet to keep it safe until I get home. I say nothing on the phone because I want to surprise Mrs. Duke in person. Later that day I wreck. The steering breaks on the truck, and I go off a bridge. They send my remains to Mrs. Duke. She goes through my belongings, and finds the ticket.